Thursday, February 14, 2013

My not-so-secret key to a happy marriage

Happy wife-happy life...right?? I have to say that I agree but the truth is it's up to ME not my husband. It started out as a silly game on Facebook with some friends, but I decided to write one thing I am thankful for about my husband everyday for about a month before Valentine's Day. If I am being honest, we have been going through a rough patch lately and most of it had to do with my discontent heart. The bible clearly says  in Proverbs 4:8 to think on good things..."Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things" It honestly wasn't hard to come up with things to be grateful for and it made me realize what an incredible man I have. There were a few days that I had to force myself to focus on what I am thankful for instead of letting bitterness over something minor brew. As a wife, I am to honor my husband and when I am following God's plan and trying to do that we are so much happier. His actions or our circumstances have very little to do with my happy heart. Contentment and love is a choice I need to make daily. Love is selfless. It's not rocket science, it's bible and it's found in 1 Corinthians 13. Depending on Christ for strength, confessing my sin of a ungrateful heart, honoring my husband and focusing on what I am thankful for and the is the key to a happy marriage.

I am thankful for my Husband,
 Joseph Lee Triplett

I am thankful for a husband who puts Jesus above all. (although, I don't always ACT like I am thankful for that)

I am thankful that my husband's # 1 desire is to be the best Christian, husband and daddy possible. If you talk to him for more than 5 minutes, you know that is true.

I am thankful for a brave husband who always feeds Zilla (our leopard gecko) so I never have to touch him or the gross crickets he eats.

I am thankful for a husband who is willing to sleep in the middle of the freezing woods to spend time with his very excited son. I am also very thankful that they are alive and on their way home.

I am thankful for a husband who always does Bible time with the boys. I am listening to their sweet voices answering his catechisms now and am impressed by how much they know.

I am thankful for a husband who always remembers to say, "I love you” and gives kisses to each of us before he leaves for work

I am so thankful for a husband who has honestly never complained when I can't keep up with the house and three kids but helps pick-up instead. He still thanks me for doing the basics like dinner, dishes and laundry.

I am thankful for a snugly husband. He is so affectionate with me and the babies.

I am thankful for a husband who rubs my back.

I am thankful that my husband is willing to get up at 5am to make a bottle for E and still let's me sleep in.

I am thankful that I have a husband who is completely trustworthy. I think I take that for granted sometimes.

I am thankful for a husband who loves to talk to me. I never ever have to wonder what he's thinking.

I am thankful for a husband who makes sure he sets all of my medicine out and hands me what I need even when he is running late for work and I am insisting that I can do it. He loves me.

I am thankful for a husband who always makes it a priority to tell people about Jesus. It's a huge passion for him.

I am thankful for a husband who is more responsible than I am! sad but true. He is good at finding things that I lose.

I am thankful for a husband who calls me on his way to work just to tell me that he's praying for me.

I am thankful for a husband who wrestles and plays dinosaurs with our babies (including E!)

I am thankful for a smart husband.

I am thankful for a husband who makes it a priority to guard his heart and mind.

I am thankful for a husband that I can be proud of. He is a man of strong character. He would go completely out of his way for anyone including a stranger and always goes above and beyond with any task at work-many times without getting any recognition.

I am thankful for a husband who is not afraid to admit when he is wrong.

I am thankful that Joey still has those big beautiful puppy dog eyes and sheepish smile that melts my heart. Wait...maybe I'm not so thankful for that-it gets him out of trouble. hmmmm....

I am thankful for a husband who will happily eat any experiment I try to make for dinner.

I'm thankful I have a husband to do the things I wouldn't know how to do to like fixing broken furniture, replacing the washer and dryer, washing the car and doing our taxes. Ok..some of those things I'm just thankful I don't have to do.

I am thankful that I have a husband who is completely satisfied in Jesus and His word no matter what our circumstances. He wakes up way before everyone else to spend time with Him.

I am thankful for a husband who has his priorities straight- God, me, our kids, and then ministering to others. He loves the Lord with his whole heart and it’s never at our expense. 

I am thankful for a husband who is a godly leader.  He is a teacher and preacher at heart and sees us as his first mission field. God has gifted him with resourcefulness, patience, organization, an amazing speaking ability, and a passion to serve Christ. Although,  he would never say that and humbly gives God all the glory. He told L that it was sad that some people forget about Jesus. L said, “You never forget that, Daddy.”

I am thankful for a husband who knows me.  He pays attention to detail in everything he does and this includes me.  He knows what I love, what makes me mad or sad and how to make me smile.

I am thankful for a hard working husband who provides for our family.

I am thankful for a husband who is completely generous. He gives his time, money and love freely without holding back. He learned this from his parents.

I am thankful for a goofy husband who still makes me laugh at his weird voices and all around ridiculousness.

I am thankful for a husband who perseveres. I want to give up when things get hard but he never lets me and never loses faith.

I am thankful that when I say awful things to him, like maybe God had something better for us, he won’t hear of that. He knows that we are exactly what each other needs and that God put us together because that is His best for both of us.  I need him to keep saying this and he does.

I am thankful for a husband who loves me even if I don’t deserve him. 

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

52 Random Acts of Kindness

My dad would have been 52 on September 12th. I want to celebrate his life. I decided to do 52 acts of kindness in his honor by his birthday started an event on Facebook and asked others to join me. I thought it would be nice to get at least 52 people to join me. It could have been  as simple as smiling at a stranger or as complicated as forgiving someone who has hurt you. 242 people joined the event and I was overwhelmed by the love and generosity of others.

I wanted to do random acts of kindness to honor my earthy AND heavenly father. I only share these acts of kindness to inspire others to do the same because I am so inspired when I see other people being the hands and feet of Jesus. I am praying that the Lord will get ALL the glory and keep conforming me ( and all of us) to His image. 

#1-Just finished cutting a bunch of coupons for my first random act of kindness. They boys and I are going to Publix to leave them near the products.

 # 2 - Bought a drink for my cashier at Publix.
 # 3- Eric, the kids and I went to the hospital to pass out bottles of water to people in the waiting rooms. The head of administration said that we couldn't do it ourselves for security reasons, but she said they would have their staff pass out waters to everyone in all waiting areas in honor my my dad. She even took down his name
 # 4- Bought cookies, brownies, handwritten thank-you note and the book of John to the nurses in the NICU.
# 5- Gave water and bible to the lady who works at the front desk in hospital
.#6- Brought smiles, waters and a Bible to the managers of my park. ( She was very rude to me the other day but sweet today when I gave it to her) 
# 7 went on a 2 hour college tour with Eric today. Working on financial aide papers now.

# 8- Wrote thank-you notes to the nurses and staff at my kids pedi. I also brought them Krispy Kreme donuts.
#9- Left a note and candy bar for the over night on-call nurse. She has helped me many times in the middle of the night.
#10- left a gift and card to their pediatrician 
#'s 11-15 but going to keep them all private except # 12- I stopped and talked to an elderly neighbor for a few minutes when I was in a hurry. She is lonely and I want to go and visit her this week.
 #16 waited on 2 very long lines to support a Christian company that is under attack for answering a question and sharing their biblical beliefs. — at Chick-fil-A at Lake Brandon Village.
 #17- went school supply shopping for Luke and could not find magnetic letters and #'s that was on the list. I went to 4 different stores and finally found it at a grocery store of all places. I knew one of his classmates would need the same and we bought some for him too.( there was only one set left)
#18- I saw a man asking for money in the Walmart parking lot and watched as most people ignored him ( I am usually one of those people). I drove around to talk to him and gave him $2 and a gospel track. I regretted not giving him a bottle of water from the case I had in the back seat. I thought about it on the way home.
# 19-47 complete. Most of them remain I do not want to share because I want to remain anonymous. But I can share a couple-
 # 26 - that I let a lady ahead of me in line at the grocery store. She was very grateful. 
# 27- I helped a lady search for undershirts for her husband. She could not see the sizes so I stayed with her for a while until we found everything she needed. 
# 35 -I payed for the order behind me in the McDonald's drive thru
# 36- I cleaned up the condiment station at McDonald's. ( It was trashed and they were busy)
#48- monitored lunch for Luke's class so his teacher could have lunch.
#49-called, gathered and set up background check info for my in-laws church nursery ( still in progress)
#50 went and fixed all fallen flags for our neighborhood

#51- Filled laundry machines with quarters for the residents in our neighborhood

#52. This was by far the hardest one and was on his birthday. We went to an abortion clinic where they were giving free abortions today. I wanted to try and save a life today on my dad's birthday. I was able to talk to 3 girls personally and pray that the word of God pierced hearts today.


 Here are some of the Random Acts of Kindness from others who participated.  
There were so many and I can't possibly share them all but here is the link the to event page of you would like to read them all.
 A sweet friend, came over to bring me these delicious cookies in honor of my dad's birthday and for an act of kindness. At first I was delighted to have some yummy dessert for the next few days, but then realized she packed them in individual bags and with pretty stickers! She was giving them to me to pass out to people and receive the blessing.

On his birthday, my sweet sisters brought cupcakes to the hospital staff that we're taking care of my dad. I love you both so much!
Driving home on the LIE saw four kids waving for help thought one of them was hurt I pulled over. Turns out they had a flat and needed to borrow my tire jack :)
Today me and the kids walked to the beach and picked up all the broken glass we could find and threw it out. The kids felt so important and proud of themselves :)
We unexpectedly received tax return $ this week. Since it felt like a gift to us, we gave $250 to a family whose needs are great! Thank you, Father, for using Mr. Kudreyko to be a light for you so frequently with his gift of giving.
Today I got a kitten out of a tree at Walmart for a little old lady. It's sounds cliche but it was an actual call.
Helped elderly neighbor replace bathroom fixtures.
Reminded of when he helped me redo mine back in the 80s!
I gave a very dehydrated, tired, heat exhausted crazy runner woman a ride home and a drink today! ;-)
A woman in front of me at Walmart at the register was $7.26 short after her groceries were rung through. She started to dig through her groceries trying to decide what to take off, I handed the cashier $10.00 and told the woman no worries. The woman was so appreciative. It felt good and right :)
Happy Birthday to your Dad! I'm sure he is very proud of you!
Was out shopping today and saw that a lady had dropped a $20 bill out of her pocket at the register...she started to walk away, she didn't even know it was on the floor. I picked it up and called out to her and told her she had dropped it...She thanked me up and down and said that was her last bit of money and she needed it to pick up her medication at Walgreens. I smiled as she said God Bless you...Sometimes you never know what your action will do for another.
My husband passed of a brain tumor at 54 years old 4-1/2 months ago. He and I were known to be the ones who were always available for others, he would always be there for anyone who needed help mechanically. During the entire 9-1/2 months of his illness, people in our community (some we didn't even know) were bringing meals, gifts at Christmas, etc. It was both a heartwarming and sad time, but random acts, such as these, can make a difference!
One of my clients pretty much has nothing.He lives alone,and has only one family member that does things for him.It seems the family member is very busy.My client has been asking the family member for a can opener for a while now.My client has been opening his cans with random things.Over the weekend,i picked him up a can opener.When i brought it to him today,he cried with happy tears.Almost every week i pick him up something,,so stay
I walk to the beach down the block with Libby , for the last couple weeks I've been taking all the kids across the street about 4 of em. My dad loved kids.
Today at 7 11 the guy before me was giving the cashier a hard time and stormed out. I started a conversation with her and complimented her earrings and smiled, sometimes we don't need to do much, a kind word could just build up someone's whole day:)
There are several people over the past several weeks who have hurt me a little bit or ruffled my feathers, but in honor of Your Dad and my Mom, I am going to TRY to comfront them and forgive them.
Babysitted for the neighbors who needed a date night out !
signed up for an American Cancer Society walk in Rochester :) Making strides against breast cancer!!
Gave a stranded traveler a meal and $100.00 for gas to get them near their destination
Here are some Random Acts of Kindness that others shared about my dad. Many of these, I did not even know
I will also remembering how he would call when he knew I was going through a hard time n talk to me from experience n from his heart. He never judge me. I miss his way of always making me smile:)
Buying my first car. and my 2nd and 3rd. getting us cellphones for college. driving us to Florida for college, paying for college, picking us up from Florida, and flying us home in between all year when we were homesick. he always listened and never judged, never told me i was wrong. He held my hand when i walked down the aisle because it made me happy, even though it hurt him to give me away. I love him so much and am so grateful he was mine ♥ ( Julie)
When I was a teenager, my dad's neighbors were harassing me out their window when I walked by. I came in the house upset by what they said and told him. He was laying in his bed, watching TV in his tighty whities. He immediately jumped up from bed and ran over there as is. lol. I'm not sure what he said or did but they apologized, told me my dad was crazy and never bothered me again. I always felt protected and proud to be his daughter. ( me)
Every car I ever owned my dad bought ! Gracie got hit by a car right before my dads wedding I called him crying and the vet bill was paid , when I was staying with friends and had no where for Grace to stay my dad had her for a few months she loved him, all you'd see was a big pick up with a little yorkie in the window ridin along! He took her everywhere!! ( Stacy)
I remember my dad took me on a date to onifrios. And when me and Steven broke up I moved into a tiny studio with him , he had no room and no privacy but he didn't mind me living with him. He was always always there to rescue me. Always. ( Stacy)
A friend of mine lived across the street from my brother John.She had no car,and three small babies at home.In the middle of the night,more than once,she called my brother across the street and asked him if he could please go to the store for her to get Children's Tylenol,because one of her children had a fever.Even though my brother had to get up early for work the next day,,he went.He even had to drive to more than one store because in the middle of the night,,there are not that many places open that carry Children's Tylenol.He had a heart of GOLD,and always helped anyone that he could!!!!Oh,,,and forgot to add that he would not take a dollar from her!!!
Last night and my mom remembered how when we moved from Center Moriches your dad came and helped my dad take out all the ceiling fans and they shorted out the whole house. Made me miss you and want to hug you!!
After my dad passed away, every time we went to visit mom John would always leave her 100 dollars. She loved him so much! ( my mom)
I remember some weird guy came to Daddy's house with a little girl , he told daddy he had to do something but was gonna drop the little girl to stay with some strange people , so Daddy ended up keeping her cause he didn't want the girl to be with weirdos. She loved daddy and daddy spoiled her for a day or two. I dunno what happened to her. ( Stacy)
John was such a great mom just reminded me that 1 year we didnt have a xmas tree & he went out & got us a tree...i also remember going off roading @ the beach.. He was def 1 of the coolest dads ever & i am very grateful for just knowing him. May he R.I.P
speeding through a parking lot and yelling, " slow down!" to the elderly doesn't exactly count as a random act of kindness but he always made them laugh.( me)
I remember someone knocking on our door asking for $ because his wife was having baby and they needed gas to get to the hospital. He knew it was a scam but said if their that desperate, why not spare a few bucks. ( me)


It's really weird how you think you know how grief might feel. I have never lost anyone before but there were times I've tried to "prepare myself". Anytime, I had a friend who lost a loved one, I was amazed at their strength and always begged God to spare me from losing someone. I would try to avoid the subject with my hurting friend so I wouldn't make them sad. I should have realized they are sad no matter what. The things that surprised me about grief is that it changes daily and sometimes hourly. I thought, you may handle it this way and I might handle it that way. I had no clue that I would handle it 100 different ways 100 times a day.  I also thought peace that passes understanding would be an actual peace but for me it was complete numbness. Sometimes it was a wave of peace. I say numbness was a  peace because it was the only possible way to function after losing my dad. The things I hated most was all of a sudden, I was thrown into some horrific "club" that I did not want to be a member of. I wanted to be the one to say, "I've never lost anyone so I don't know how you are feeling." But now all of a sudden I do understand how it feels. It connects you to people like nothing else can. I know now that it's OK to ask someone about it and it's OK if someone cries. I need to talk about my dad. I don't want to avoid the topic, and I will ALWAYS listen to anyone who wants to tell me every detail of their lost loved ones. Here are three letters that I wrote at different stages of my grief to three different friends who lost a loved one.

This was written to a friend who lost her husband a week after I lost my dad.

I've been thinking of you today. My heart aches for you and your babies right now. Its been two weeks since I suddenly lost my dad and I am still in shock and completely devastated. We were really close and he was young and finally on the right path after many years of drinking. I have never lost anyone before this and I'm a little surprised and disappointed about how I am handling it because I thought my faith was stronger than this. I didn't mind everyone saying they are sorry and praying and I'm thankful to have so many that care as I am sure you are. I know this is not right but I also felt like God left and even struggled with doubting Him all together. I hated reading anyone's FB statuses and hated that they were writing about their stupid puppies or vacations. I still don't care right now. I didn't even care about anyone other than my own families pain. A few people wrote how they too just lost someone and I could honestly care less at that point and just wanted my dad back. I said to Joey when it happened that even if it were him or my kids, I don't think I could possibly feel worse. then when I heard about your ___, I knew instantly that I was wrong. It could be a lot worse to lose my kids or my husband. I don't want to imagine your pain as I can barely handle mine but I truly am praying for you and your children. maybe you are stronger ( and I hope you are) than I am but even though I feel completely numb and I don't even feel God right now all I know to do is to keep reading His Word. I guess I was angry at God because I expected a sign or a warning or a bad feeling at least to prepare me. I wanted to physical sign that my dad was in Heaven and since I didn't get that I began to doubt God. Then I realized that God does not promise signs or things outside of His word. His Word promises to be enough. I read a psalm and ask God to help me. I ask Him to show me He is real and to draw me to Him because I can't right now. I thought about forgetting about God and giving up but my kids need me to be there for them and I can't do that without Him. Maybe since you went through (your daughter)  having cancer, you've already seen God work through a tragedy and you are much stronger than I am. I hope so. I know that my dad and your husband are where we belong and we will be with them again and see them again. I know ____ wants you to be the best mom you can be and keep going. My dad wants the same for me so I am trying. Failing but trying. I guess my only advice is to keep in God's word and ask Him for strength. :o( I really am very very sorry for the loss of your husband.

 Here is a letter I wrote to a friend who lost her mom suddenly 3 months after I lost my dad. It was written 4 months after my loss.

I just saw this. I am so sorry! It's OK to be angry. You will be angry one second, guilty the next, and maybe even grateful for what you had the next and then it starts over and a few other emotions are thrown in there. Your emotions are on overdrive right now. So are your dad's. He doesn't know how to deal with it so he's just dealing with things differently. He might just see how fragile life is and want to be near the grand kids that he doesn't see. I was completely disconnected from my kids most of the summer. ( especially E) I guess I was terrified that they were going to die and I didn't want to love them anymore. But I don't feel that way anymore. We can't always trust our feelings. I went from complete depression, suicidal thoughts to deciding that I wanted to make my dad proud and live my life the best, healthiest way I could. I know as a mom I would want that for my kids and he would want that for me. He would not want my life to be destroyed. BUT NO ONE could have told me that a month or two after he died. I was lucky to feed my kids then. I started getting a little better in mid September after his birthday, starting working out and trying to take care of myself and doing fun activities with the kids. I was still sad but thought I was OK and like I said wanted to do my best for his honor. Then my sister sent me old home movies and the tomb stone came in. I have been a wreck AGAIN for about two weeks. I want to leave Joey and hate his guts for no reason. I want to run away and I hate cleaning and I have not worked out. I have cried for hours, begging God to send my dad back and asking him to take me. BUT today is a new day, I can feel myself wanting to honor my dad and my God again. I want to be the best mom I can be and I am actually in my workout clothes about to start my workout now ( I got distracted by your message. lol) It comes in waves and I am sure I'll have another set back. But this time I know that I just have to go through it and it will be OK again. Even at my worst, I try to read at least a psalm a day. I try to talk to God even if its just to tell him how angry I am. At least I am in communication with Him. HE is honestly the only answer for both of us. When I went to your moms service. I honestly felt a sense of Heaven that I haven't felt in a while. I know just from being there that she wants nothing more than for you to seek Christ and raise your kids to honor and love Him. She was not able to accomplish all the amazing things that she did on her own. It was obvious that she depended on Christ for her strength and she wants you to have that same peace. You can't force it and you can;t fake it to make someone else happy. But take your Bible Read Psalm 121 and ask God to show you. Take it one step at a time and if you seek Him, you will find Him. I will be praying for you and I would love to get together.

This is a  letter I wrote to a friend who lost her 2 year old daughter 11 years ago. This was 7 months since I lost my dad.

 I've actually been thinking of you lately because I have been following a fb page (and emailed back and forth a few times) a young pregnant mom who lost her almost 3 year old on Christmas eve in an unexpected swing-set accident. . I don't know her ( it's a friend of a friend) but she posts her feelings almost daily and its amazing how she is depending on God through her pain. I know losing my dad is not the same as losing a child but I feel like I failed in my testimony and my reaction. I still am. I am trying to depend on God but I still don't know how to be OK with this. I do read his word everyday and ask for strength, I know he is God and knows whats best and wants the best for us. I just don't know how to feel that way. I wasn't ready to lose him. Its been 7 months but it feels like yesterday and seems not even possible that he's not here. I keep dreaming of him and crying when I wake up because I don't want to wake up. I know you know it's unbearable and again, I know losing a child would be much harder but I also can't imagine feeling much worse than I do. Anyway, the girl I was referencing has been helping me because I want to have the strength she does. She posted a picture that someone drew of her little girl sitting on the lap of Jesus with a huge smile. And she wrote.."this is how I picture her now with her new best friend." It made me feel better to think maybe he is there with his new best friend. I just wish it was all over and we were all in Heaven. Sorry to are right when you say I feel alone. I feel like I should be fine by now. Thanks again. I have prayed for you too recently when hearing of this girl, as I can imagine it's still hard and will always be. One day, He will wipe away our tears.

It helps me a little to re-read these and to know that God is faithful.  I may not have handled my grief the way I thought I would but it is what it is and God has seen me through it and has not failed me. I will keep striving and seeking Him. There are so many things God has done for me through this and I can't wait to share.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The worst day of my life

My last post was June 17th, 2012. It was father's day. My entire family in NY got together and had a picnic at my dad's house. I was the only one missing since I live in FL. We went to church and then went to my husbands parents house and had lunch with his family. It was a nice afternoon and when we got home I laid on my couch and called my dad. He sounded so happy. He was rushed because there were so many people at the picnic and he was saying goodby to some. He said, " Wow, you wouldn't believe how many people are here. It's unbelievable. Let me call  you right back." I said OK, told him that I just wanted to wish him a Happy Father's day and told him that I loved him. I assumed I would just talk to him later like many times before. We had just Skyped the night before because he paid for L's entire birthday party and L wanted to tell him all about the party and say thank-you. We talked for 2 minutes 38 seconds on Father's Day.
June 18th, 2012 at 8:00pm Monday night and I was on my way to the grocery store. I usually call someone when I'm in the car alone since its so rare that I am all alone and in the quiet. I almost called my dad back but remembered that I missed a call from an old friend and called her instead. I wish I would have called my dad. I came home and watched a movie with Joey.
The movie ended and Joey got up to go to the bathroom. It was 12:03am and my phone rang. It was June 19, 2012.  I didn't get a bad feeling but jokingly told Joey that I hated when my phone rang at night because it means something bad might have happened. I went to the living room picked up my phone and saw it was my sister. Even then, I had no warning. I assumed she was calling me back on her way home from work. She was crying hard and said, "Ame, there is something wrong with Daddy.  He's not breathing right." I didn't understand. What did that mean?? She said that he might have had a heart attack. I immediately started crying and my body acted like you would think it should, I was sobbing and shaking but in my mind, I was calm. I was saying to myself that I am such a drama queen. He is fine. These things are always OK. He is fine. Throughout the next few hours, I talked to all of my siblings and my dad's wife and no one knew what happened and how serious things were. Stacy told me he was stable. Julie told me he was brain dead. Eric didn't know and Johnny told me he was gone. After talking to Stacy, I decided that he was going to be OK and the rest were just scared and exaggerating. I tried to lay down and then my mom called. She said it was not good and she didn't think he was going to make it. I couldn't talk to her anymore and told myself she too must be wrong and just assuming the worst. I immediately bought a plane ticket and was in NY by 10am Tuesday morning without E who was still nursing. I couldn't bring her because I could barely function. I cried the entire plane ride and couldn't speak to anyone who asked what was wrong. I kept praying it wasn't as bad as I thought. But, it was worse.
My brother picked me up and we went straight to the hospital. When I got to the ER, I remember my mom and sisters walking up to me in the parking lot and we were all hugging each-other and crying. I went into the waiting room where there were at least 40 relatives already there, most had been there the entire night. I finally had enough nerve to go and see him after about 30 minutes. Right before I went in, I saw my aunt's face and knew that it would be awful. It was awful. I can't even write this without sobbing. My daddy was laying there on machines but not alive. I knew he wasn't there. I talked to him and sang to him and cried hysterically, hugged and kissed him and begged God for a miracle. The days following are a complete blur to me. I know my husband came the next day with my daughter but other than that I barely remember who was there and what happened. He officially died on June 21st of cardiac arrest but we lost him June 18, 2012.
There was a line out the door and down the street at the funeral home. People waited in line for hours in the rain the pay their respects. They even had police escorts on the way to the grave site. I was proud that he was my dad. How could this happen? How is this real? I still can't imagine that he is really gone. He was 51! He was getting ready to go shark fishing. I was not-I am not ready to lose my dad. I still need him. I don't know exactly which day was the worst day. Was it June 18th? the 19th? the 21st? or everyday after that? I don't know but I wanted to write this out because I need to. It's been 8 months and I have so much more to say. I want to write about his life and what he was like.  I want to write about the things that surprised me about grief. My lack of faith and God's faithfulness. I have much more to say and I will say them. But for now I am emotionally drained because even as I write this, it feels like it was yesterday-the worst day of my life.