Monday, April 9, 2012

Real love!

When L was born, I was in total and complete love with this little bundle of joy. I could barely contain it! I was also terrified to be a mom though. I did not sleep AT ALL! I would cry all the time and torture my self by reading sad stories on the internet of how people lost their children.. I would bring L into every room I was in, at all times. If I were doing the dishes, I dragged his bassinet in the kitchen. I had a friend from out of town come and visit and I made her and her finance' that I never met  come and sit on my bed for the visit because the baby was asleep in there.  I was insane! My poor husband didn't know what to do.

 I also had to do everything the exact right way. When he would wake up in the night those first few weeks, I got up, went into his room that he never slept in and would change him, hold him in my rocking chair and feed him. With the other two, I changed them right on my bed and laid down on my side to feed them.

I remember one 3am feeding the first week L was born, I was sore beyond belief from nursing, I smelled like lack of a shower and breast milk rolled into one, I was sleep deprived and just felt ugly, sore and smelly. This was a one way relationship. I did all sacrificial giving and he did all the taking but I would have it no other way. I looked down at him and he gave me one of those smiles that you know is gas but swear it's because he's satisfied and loves you back. It melted my heart in a way I never felt before.  I loved him so much because he was mine. There was nothing he could do to make me love him more or less. I would do anything for this selfish little baby and I didn't care what it would cost me.

I remember crying because for the very first time, I felt like I got a real glimpse of how God loves his children. How he loves me! I am a typical goodie-goodie. I hate being in trouble but just couldn't understand ( and sometime still can't) how God could love me. I am horrible, I am selfish. I have never given HIM the honor He deserves. This is a total one way relationship. He is the sacrificial giver and I am the self-absorbed taker. How can He love me no matter what? I don't contribute this relationship and I certainly don't deserve it. But it was that night I realized that He loves me because I am His and there is nothing I can do to change that! The thing that blows me away is that my love for my children do not even compare to God's love for His children. Maybe the reason He created the relationship between the parent and child was to give us a small hint at His love for us.


John 15:9-16a “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you…” (ESV)

1 comment:

  1. Being a perfect mommy is a lot of pressure to put on yourself!
    Parenthood does change our view of God completely. =)