Grief

It's really weird how you think you know how grief might feel. I have never lost anyone before but there were times I've tried to "prepare myself". Anytime, I had a friend who lost a loved one, I was amazed at their strength and always begged God to spare me from losing someone. I would try to avoid the subject with my hurting friend so I wouldn't make them sad. I should have realized they are sad no matter what. The things that surprised me about grief is that it changes daily and sometimes hourly. I thought, you may handle it this way and I might handle it that way. I had no clue that I would handle it 100 different ways 100 times a day.  I also thought peace that passes understanding would be an actual peace but for me it was complete numbness. Sometimes it was a wave of peace. I say numbness was a  peace because it was the only possible way to function after losing my dad. The things I hated most was all of a sudden, I was thrown into some horrific "club" that I did not want to be a member of. I wanted to be the one to say, "I've never lost anyone so I don't know how you are feeling." But now all of a sudden I do understand how it feels. It connects you to people like nothing else can. I know now that it's OK to ask someone about it and it's OK if someone cries. I need to talk about my dad. I don't want to avoid the topic, and I will ALWAYS listen to anyone who wants to tell me every detail of their lost loved ones. Here are three letters that I wrote at different stages of my grief to three different friends who lost a loved one.

This was written to a friend who lost her husband a week after I lost my dad.

I've been thinking of you today. My heart aches for you and your babies right now. Its been two weeks since I suddenly lost my dad and I am still in shock and completely devastated. We were really close and he was young and finally on the right path after many years of drinking. I have never lost anyone before this and I'm a little surprised and disappointed about how I am handling it because I thought my faith was stronger than this. I didn't mind everyone saying they are sorry and praying and I'm thankful to have so many that care as I am sure you are. I know this is not right but I also felt like God left and even struggled with doubting Him all together. I hated reading anyone's FB statuses and hated that they were writing about their stupid puppies or vacations. I still don't care right now. I didn't even care about anyone other than my own families pain. A few people wrote how they too just lost someone and I could honestly care less at that point and just wanted my dad back. I said to Joey when it happened that even if it were him or my kids, I don't think I could possibly feel worse. then when I heard about your ___, I knew instantly that I was wrong. It could be a lot worse to lose my kids or my husband. I don't want to imagine your pain as I can barely handle mine but I truly am praying for you and your children. maybe you are stronger ( and I hope you are) than I am but even though I feel completely numb and I don't even feel God right now all I know to do is to keep reading His Word. I guess I was angry at God because I expected a sign or a warning or a bad feeling at least to prepare me. I wanted to physical sign that my dad was in Heaven and since I didn't get that I began to doubt God. Then I realized that God does not promise signs or things outside of His word. His Word promises to be enough. I read a psalm and ask God to help me. I ask Him to show me He is real and to draw me to Him because I can't right now. I thought about forgetting about God and giving up but my kids need me to be there for them and I can't do that without Him. Maybe since you went through (your daughter)  having cancer, you've already seen God work through a tragedy and you are much stronger than I am. I hope so. I know that my dad and your husband are where we belong and we will be with them again and see them again. I know ____ wants you to be the best mom you can be and keep going. My dad wants the same for me so I am trying. Failing but trying. I guess my only advice is to keep in God's word and ask Him for strength. :o( I really am very very sorry for the loss of your husband.

 Here is a letter I wrote to a friend who lost her mom suddenly 3 months after I lost my dad. It was written 4 months after my loss.

I just saw this. I am so sorry! It's OK to be angry. You will be angry one second, guilty the next, and maybe even grateful for what you had the next and then it starts over and a few other emotions are thrown in there. Your emotions are on overdrive right now. So are your dad's. He doesn't know how to deal with it so he's just dealing with things differently. He might just see how fragile life is and want to be near the grand kids that he doesn't see. I was completely disconnected from my kids most of the summer. ( especially E) I guess I was terrified that they were going to die and I didn't want to love them anymore. But I don't feel that way anymore. We can't always trust our feelings. I went from complete depression, suicidal thoughts to deciding that I wanted to make my dad proud and live my life the best, healthiest way I could. I know as a mom I would want that for my kids and he would want that for me. He would not want my life to be destroyed. BUT NO ONE could have told me that a month or two after he died. I was lucky to feed my kids then. I started getting a little better in mid September after his birthday, starting working out and trying to take care of myself and doing fun activities with the kids. I was still sad but thought I was OK and like I said wanted to do my best for his honor. Then my sister sent me old home movies and the tomb stone came in. I have been a wreck AGAIN for about two weeks. I want to leave Joey and hate his guts for no reason. I want to run away and I hate cleaning and I have not worked out. I have cried for hours, begging God to send my dad back and asking him to take me. BUT today is a new day, I can feel myself wanting to honor my dad and my God again. I want to be the best mom I can be and I am actually in my workout clothes about to start my workout now ( I got distracted by your message. lol) It comes in waves and I am sure I'll have another set back. But this time I know that I just have to go through it and it will be OK again. Even at my worst, I try to read at least a psalm a day. I try to talk to God even if its just to tell him how angry I am. At least I am in communication with Him. HE is honestly the only answer for both of us. When I went to your moms service. I honestly felt a sense of Heaven that I haven't felt in a while. I know just from being there that she wants nothing more than for you to seek Christ and raise your kids to honor and love Him. She was not able to accomplish all the amazing things that she did on her own. It was obvious that she depended on Christ for her strength and she wants you to have that same peace. You can't force it and you can;t fake it to make someone else happy. But take your Bible Read Psalm 121 and ask God to show you. Take it one step at a time and if you seek Him, you will find Him. I will be praying for you and I would love to get together.

This is a  letter I wrote to a friend who lost her 2 year old daughter 11 years ago. This was 7 months since I lost my dad.

 I've actually been thinking of you lately because I have been following a fb page (and emailed back and forth a few times) a young pregnant mom who lost her almost 3 year old on Christmas eve in an unexpected swing-set accident. . I don't know her ( it's a friend of a friend) but she posts her feelings almost daily and its amazing how she is depending on God through her pain. I know losing my dad is not the same as losing a child but I feel like I failed in my testimony and my reaction. I still am. I am trying to depend on God but I still don't know how to be OK with this. I do read his word everyday and ask for strength, I know he is God and knows whats best and wants the best for us. I just don't know how to feel that way. I wasn't ready to lose him. Its been 7 months but it feels like yesterday and seems not even possible that he's not here. I keep dreaming of him and crying when I wake up because I don't want to wake up. I know you know it's unbearable and again, I know losing a child would be much harder but I also can't imagine feeling much worse than I do. Anyway, the girl I was referencing has been helping me because I want to have the strength she does. She posted a picture that someone drew of her little girl sitting on the lap of Jesus with a huge smile. And she wrote.."this is how I picture her now with her new best friend." It made me feel better to think maybe he is there with his new best friend. I just wish it was all over and we were all in Heaven. Sorry to ramble..you are right when you say I feel alone. I feel like I should be fine by now. Thanks again. I have prayed for you too recently when hearing of this girl, as I can imagine it's still hard and will always be. One day, He will wipe away our tears.

It helps me a little to re-read these and to know that God is faithful.  I may not have handled my grief the way I thought I would but it is what it is and God has seen me through it and has not failed me. I will keep striving and seeking Him. There are so many things God has done for me through this and I can't wait to share.